On Vaccines and Snacks

When I’m President, I’ll appoint a Surgeon General who promotes funding for research to develop a vaccine against bigotry, violence, and the inability to resist eating candy in bowls on your co-workers’ desks and baked goods someone left in the office break room.

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On Science

When I’m President, I’ll allocate funding to the NSF to study spontaneous generation. I know it’s an old concept from the 1600s, but honestly, where DO fruit flies hibernate in your house while they wait for you to have ripe bananas? This is pretty important, because fruit flies are used in genetic research and college classes, and you know how much  money our government spends buying those things? Probably hundreds of dollars a year!

On Feeding the Hungry and Education

When I’m President, I’ll abolish glum by making sure there’s a num-num in every tum-tum. Even if you’re dumb or a bum in a slum, you still deserve some. I’ll also put pressure on my Secretary of Education to allocate funding to provide a rhyming dictionary for each K-12 classroom. Our future is at stake, and we can’t take a chance; it’s crucial for our nation to advance.