On Presidential and Staff Comportment

When I’m President, I will comport myself with the utmost respectability and only hire individuals who I’m reasonably sure will hold themselves to the same high standards.

  1. I will avoid public vulgarities,
  2. No one in my administration will discuss S-ing their own gosh-darned wing-wong, though I defend their right to peruse this safe-sex practice in private,
  3. I will not flippin’ tolerate my staff blocking each other’s ‘s wing-wongs, due to that being a bunch of distracting, morale-destroying horse-pucky,
  4. Absolutely no one will endorse grabbing a hoo-hoo without express permission from the hoo-hoo holder.
  5. I will not be a dillweed to the American people,
  6. I will engage in no banana shenanigans or malarky.
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On Eduation

When I’m President, I will demand increased support for public education. By this, I mean that our children should be educated by the general public. Anybody who passes a background check can come in and teach! Can you imagine how much our kids will love that? Here is a preview of the type of individuals who we hope will volunteer to teach a class to our greatest natural resource, the children of America:

  • A seasoned gamer will teach them how to play video games more skillfully, and without getting sucked into fights with the grown-ass loser adult gamers who call them unthinkable names,
  • A chef will teach them how to make their own damn chicken fingers and french fries if that’s all they’re going to eat for the rest of their life, anyway,
  • Those millions of illegal voters will teach them how to vote. Just in time for my re-election campaign!
  • A scuba diver will teach them how to scuba dive so, one fine day, they can help build one of my Walls Across America(TM) deep into the ocean to keep those enemy submarines (which are all non-American submarines) out of our property,
  • A wild boar will teach them respect, civility, and temperance,
  • Kenneth Lay and Bernie Madoff will teach them math.

Looking forward to a more educated future!

On Public Transportation

When I’m President, I will put in motion measures to enhance and expand our public transportation systems. I place great value on tradition (hence my slogan, implying that America was amazing and now it isn’t) and want to go back to the ways we did things in the good old days! Therefore, all light rail and bus transit will be dismantled and replaced with ultra-fast horse-drawn carriages. I have consulted with respected scientists who indicated that by the year 2021, they will be able to create genetically-modified horses able to fly at speeds upwards of 140mph. The benefits of this system include, but are not limited to:

  1. Horse-based transportation is powered by clean energy. Rather than eating through the ozone layer and destroying our glaciers, the waste products of the horses can fertilize our crops, just like in the olden days of yore,
  2. Horse-drawn carriages will be roomy, yet limited to 1-2 passengers, thus drastically eliminating the scourge of harassment that plagues our light rail and bus systems,
  3. Horses are the most romantic and beautiful vehicles. Buses are the least romantic and beautiful vehicles. You do the math,
  4. Stagecoach jobs will roar back into existence, thus creating zillions of jobs,
  5. Flying horses.

On Advocating for Passing Legislation

When I’m President – the big cheese, the top banana, if you will – I will work hard to garner support among Congresspeople and Senators for legislation that I think is the best thing since sliced bread. I will not choose strategies that involve being being ham-fisted, threatening to cook someone’s goose, or going bananas. I will not support any pie-in-the-sky legislation, upset the apple cart, nor take us out of the frying pan and into the fire. I will pay attention and know what side my bread is buttered on. The strategies I will use will be giving people food for thought, adding icing on the cake, and offering people a bigger slice of the pie. I believe this will be most likely to pass legislation that bears fruit.

On Being a Public Servant

When I’m President, I will be a leader and a public servant, not a brand. Because really, the only brand that matters is Heinz. Heinz Ketchup is the only ketchup worth eating. In fact, it is the only perfect food in the world – pretty sure that’s been proven by science! Let’s be honest, I can’t top that. I will serve the American people. I will serve them ketchup.

On the News Media

When I’m President, I’ll seek to control the news media, but only as far as dictating what their slogans should be. I’ll only require small edits. For example, the Washington Post will be required to change their slogan to “Democracy Dies in Dorkness,” because seriously, what a bunch of dorks! Sitting around looking up facts and doing research all damn day. Don’t those nerds have anything better to do?

On Funding for Healthcare

When I’m President, I’ll fund our single-payer healthcare system with an increased sales tax on products that cause increased utilization of health care services. Since one of the most common reasons for those unbearably expensive emergency room visits is panic attacks, I will increase the sales tax on news media subscriptions. That alone should take care of everything else, honestly.

On Voting Rights

When I’m President, I will lower the voting age to 12, and encourage voting through technological innovations (e.g. “vote-by-Snapchat”), unique incentives (free bag of Doritos for each person who votes), eliminating deterrents to voting (e.g. making ballot selfies legal in all states), and new get-out-the-vote initiatives (the “Voting’s Lit” campaign; recruiting parents into a “Parents Against the Teen Vote” organization).

On Reproductive Rights

When I’m President, I will make all forms of contraception illegal due to their immorality. Except for one. One of the great minds of the 20th Century, Dr. Emmanuel Bronner, promoted the Moral ABC, meaning that he was obviously moral. His recommended method of contraception will, therefore, not be banned or prosecuted. In fact, every woman of childbearing age will be provided with unlimited free Vaseline, lemons, and the purest of castile soap in order to prevent unintended pregnancies. Exceptions eternally? Absolute none!

On Infrastructure and Creating Jobs

When I’m President, I will create jobs building FOUR walls, as follows:

  1. Each wall will be constructed from cement covered in steel (American steel),
  2. Each wall will extend 62 miles into the sky,
  3. The two longitudinal walls will extend along the geographic centers of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans,
  4. The two latitudinal walls will extend along the entire borders between the U.S. and Canada, and the U.S. and Mexico, and all the way into the ocean to meet the longitudinal two walls,
  5. I will make Russia pay for the walls.